i wish i felt better already, this pre-existing depression disorder of mine is fucking with my head, i cant do anythin right. i just feel like im not good enough for everyone right now and that no mater what i do im alwas gona be a screw up, trust me i know better than this but in my head, all the fucked up things just keep goign on and on about how i am just that bad at doig the right thing like the reason for all my problems now is my own undoing...

even as i took the sleepin pill last nite, i still wake up, at 2am , like it couldn be anymore cleare thna that, im sufferin form somethin beyond my control n once again i have to put up with it as i try to deal with pther problesmin my life, like gettin that learners permit, whic nora is insistin for me to do since last week n i cant take it anymroe i hat ebein told wat to do but still i know its for my own good , someoes gota make sure im doin somethin right in my messed up life

as i stood out there talkin to my boyfrined i realized how luck y i am i shold be happy but the fears won go away the past still haunts me again, sometimes blurrin my vision btwn reality n my worries, like what if, things don work out btwn me n him? wat if nora does kcik me out? wat if my parnts cuz shit again? wat if i don evne up getitn a job ? or wat if i actually do end up killin myself cuz i cant handle all of this? but so far i haven felt like harmin myself, since a couple of nites ago, iv only felt miserable but right now i have things to look forward to in the future, things i ewana do n someeo i wan see n get to kow better, its differnt ow but i feel like i keep gettin draged back into my past...i just hate all ofit n tmrw? im goin to be so tired it sot funny, only time will tell how everything turns out but still, i believe everythin happens for a reason thou, theres got a be a reason why my phone gets cutt of f now istead of earlier or later, ni sitll thik my mom had somethin to do with it, like she didn pay on purpose, just frm what i heard my sister say today, it seems like shes usin my sister like she used me n its fukin hurtin that i cant do anythin to stop her from that pain i went thru, she cried, sittin in the mcdonalds i cursed her out til she told me wats wrog n i cried when she told me the same things, them messin with er, tellin her shes no better than i am, n i felt it, i felt myuself in her shoes again n i didn raelize how vulnerable i am to gettin hurt all over n thats when my defenses went up thou, soon as i started cryin n reminisino aoout the past, i felt closed off, i was shieldin my memories, my pain, hidin n lockin it away inside, cuz right now i need to be strong for my sister, to reassure her that everythin will be ok just like the night they kiecked her out of the house, funny how my parents keep messsin things up for everyoe n i end up bein the guardian, the protector, the one who looks after everyone, im so good at it, but for everyone else, i am unable to look out for myself, i cant seem to n it kills me that i will do anythin for anyone except myself, why do i still feel like i don desreve to be happy? or that id be better off when eeryone leaves me? when i know deep in my heart that that really not wat i want, just wat i say to keep myself from hurtin, from lettin ayone get to lcose tto me, to see me whne im at my lowest, cuz its a pitiful sight to watch me as i am, truly saddeded by the evenst in my life, liek a pathetic lost puppy kicked out in the rain and cold, htats how i feel on the inisde, ppl walk by n sumpthatie but to take me in thats diferent, but the worry will always be there, that what happened oce bfore can always happen again n it leaves me frightened to my bones, id be lyin fi i said im not scaerd shitless of eveyrhtin. i suck at this i just waa sleep god i wana sleep so bad

My phone doesn't work, I almost couldn't call my boyfriend this morning to wake him up for work. I had to sneak upstairs and use Nora's phone to call him, and even though it was like a 30 second call? Nora's prolly gonna give me hell for it.

Man I'm in a shit load of trouble, but I'll survive! ...

I'm okay, I'm going to go meet my sister right now so we can talk things out cuz obviously she's stressed and needs me, but I have to be careful that I don't let her get any info out of me to give to my mom.

Other than that, I really felt like shit last night, but I ended up feeling way much better later. All because of my amazing boyfriend, I didn't think he'd talk to me last night but when I called him real late and woke him up from his sleep, he like actually listened to me and talked to me and kept trying to make me feel better, and he did, one way or the other. He's just really amazing and I love him!

Then, this morning Nora planted a kiss on my forehead, to thank me for sending her an email of that long journal thing i put up on dA a night ago or something. She said it helped for her to understand what I'm going through better, although I could see that she was really worried about me.

I feel bad for bothering everyone right now, but I really need all the help I Can get right now, I wannget through all of this so I can feel better about things and keep on living. I know I Can, I have so many things I wanna do.

Like right now I wanna meet my boyfriend some day, and I get now when he said its hard being in a long distance relationship, but it works out for us on some level, and I absolutely adore him a lot. He makes me happy and I havent really ever felt this happy before. I'm proud to say I have him in my life.

I hope that no matter what the future holds, or what the next few days might throw at me, I hope that I will still know what to do, the right thing to do and to rely on the people I care about and never let them down. I know they love me and I love them a lot too.

I'm gona go see my sister now thou, then hopefully get through studying for my test tmrw. Wish me good luck!

So I'm not broke anymore, I randomly got paid to babysit lil 5 year old boy who loved punching all my sensitive body parts. But it was worth it? I got through today, I survived! I'm glad too, just a lot been going on in my mind, at the house, with the kids and all that. I'm due in for a test on Monday and a series of hospital visits in the next few days, so call me crazy or anything you want, but I really feel like running away from it all. I don't feel like I've ever been able to relax, all the things I want right now will just have to wait for a while, I've got to be understanding and caring about everything, that's just how I run my life. But on the other hand I still feel like I'm doing things on my own with no help, in a way its good and bad? I dunno anymore, I'm just really tired, I didnt eat all day but thats because I wasnt feeling hungry at all. I only ate some soup just now cuz my head was hurting and I didnt want to like get sick or anything, but I really am tired. It's 12am and everyones in bed by now, I'm the only one awake, again. *sighs* Can I say I hate my life...? Can't, can I? Oh well, then. I shall take my shower and then hopefully watch some korean drama to put me to sleep, night all. -j.

It's 3 in the morning, and I just needed to rant. I woke up about an hour ago, same old shit again. I hate waking up in the middle of the night. Sometimes, the past just won't leave me alone. My sister said she heard me mumbling and stuff, but I wasn't even on the phone. I had fallen asleep only about an hour ago or so...

I guess today was very hectic, I felt so shitty and tired by the end of it. I just kept going through my mind, everything and how I've got through everything and where I stand in my life right now. So many people came over today and I just wanted to be left alone, but what I've learned is that you never really get what you want in life, really, I just didn't want to be around so many people, I'm so not used to having people care about me too, or give me attention.

It's like every Christmas, or any other day in my "previous" life, where I would sit in bed, all alone, feeling ignored and wanting to be surrounded by the laughter and smiles of warm and friendly people. But I had all my dreams come true this year, I'm in love with someone amazing and he means the world to me. I live with a family that has grown to love me and protect me from this cruel and unjust world. I've also made friends who matter in my life, that no matter where they are, I know they would come to rescue me if need be.

Maybe I find it hard to believe or something? But then again, it's like what Judy pretty much said...I've lived about four different lives in this past few months, going through a whole lot on my own without asking for anyone's help. Yeah, I was forced to be helped, but even so, the effort it took me to get through things, I don't know if anyone would ever be able to understand. Because where I stand right now, I feel like I've gained a lot and lost a lot at the same time.

Maybe I am a really shitty person for not being able to appreciate the things I have in life. Why do I still feel so depressed? Why do I still feel like everything is about to fall apart before my very own eyes...? Why can't I believe like I used to when I was a little girl? That everything will be okay some day? Despite all my efforts to make everyone happy around me, I can't seem to make myself any happier. I can only enjoy the moment and never hold on to it because I'm always afraid if I hold on too tightly to it, then it will slip away from me, like holding the sand in the beach?

The tighter you grip the fistful of sand, the quicker it slips and pours out before you know it. But even when you hold it with both hands, the wind will blow it all away or someone will knock it out of your hand. It still feels like I'm holding on to sand...I just don't know why though...

Afraid Nora will kick me out, afraid I won't be able to go to college, afraid my parents will get in the way of my happiness, or try to control my life, or that the one person I love right now would leave me, or that I won't find a job and be forever broke, or that my depression will get the best of me and I'll want to kill myself again. I mean last night I had a nightmare and tonight I woke up again and it's killing me, sitting here wondering, why I can't go to sleep just like everyone else...?

I can't even take the sleeping pill lately because I've been waking up early to wake my boyfriend up for work, and that doesn't bother me at all, just kills me that I can't go to sleep when I want to, when I physically want to, and I know what nora's gona say, that I'm still depressed and that I need to see that doctor next week, but its killing me here. Just feels like nothing ever goes right in my life? or am i just overly exaggerating?

I mean...its Christmas eve, I couldn't even enjoy it? It's the first time in years where everyones been nice to me and no shitty people are around to treat me any worse, so I do feel like somethings not right? As if I'm waiting for someone to walk up to me and hit me again? Or blame me for ruining the holidays? Or tell me that I can never do anything right? Maybe that's just it..just waiting around for someone to act like parents, to tell me to get lost, that they don't want to see my face, that I'm just being a burden to them and if they get mad enough, they'll say horrible things again and beat me up for it.

Just knowing that Nora won't do that to me, or the kids, despite what I feel, I know they won't, but the fear just never goes away in my mind, I can still feel the pain and I want to erase it, you know? I want to be sleeping, heck, tomorrows a long day and I know I could use it but I can't seem to fall asleep right now. Just wish I could but there's no way, there's no one to talk to or anything to do. I just hate this feeling and I want it to go away so bad,

Fuck it man, I'm really really tired. I was even stupid enough earlier to try some wine bceause my sister insisted I should, I thought what the hell, whats the worst that could happen right/ n i really did feel like shit, worse than tired, afterwards, maybe thats what triggered the memories, the smell of alcohol on my dad's breath, the words that would come out of that disgusting ododr, just lingered in my memory, i was only takin sips of wine but i wanted to throw up i felt so awful and all i could think about was why did my mom n dad do this to me? leave me alone for christmas, like seriously? i tried calling my mom last, n i still havent heard from her since that time she called to say she couldnt find my birth certificate n i understand shes going thru shit, i dont blame them but

where does that leave me? when ur own parents dont even care? how can u look to everyone else n trust them not to treat you the same way? man, man i just hate this, they are not worth this trouble n i know better, i know i shouldnt be thinking like this but im not sitting and allowing it, just the feeling wont go away, i just want to cry so bad right now, wish i could wake nora up and tell her, ive been wanting to tell her things lately, wishing at least that i would have some parental or elderly figure to rely on and man does that sound shitty? i cant help the tears right now, because i just want my mom and i know she wont be here for me, she never was and she never will be, no matter how many times i sit here n cry or tell her i want to talk to her , she wont get it, shell always blame me for whats happened and tell me its my fault things are so messed up...

theres so many things i wish i could do right now, as i sit here crying, i just know that im tired and i want to sleep and i know il feel better later today when i wake up n see the kids, or when i get to talk to my boyfriend, or when im sittin around eveyrone openin presensts, i know il be ok but i know this feelin wont go away, it will always linger and i just want it to go away n never bother me again...why is it that i cant forget, i remember all the bad stuff and never the good ones? its like i tap into my memeory tryna think of good things positive things about my memories with my family n there are none...something or the other awlays led to another fight, another accusation, another insult after injury, another me being hurt, phscially, verbally, emotionally. it never ends.

i just want the pain to stop. i want it to go away. maybe i shud call my therapist up and tell her about this, maybe she can help me better. she would know what to do, because hoenstly, i dont anymore. i really dont.